As we get closer and closer to Maggie's 1st birthday, I am still so undecided about Baby #2 (or 4, if you're keeping a full count). I don't even know why I'm semi-obsessing over this. I'm not on a schedule or deadline. But I am 36 years old, and as far as my doctor's are concerned, Advanced Age for pregnancy, so it weighs on my mind. As they say, my biological clock is tick-tick-ticking and who knows when the batteries are going to run down.
Plus, I know Hubby wants another baby (boy) - and I want another, as well (girl) - it's just that ...
... well ...
... to be honest, pregnancy scares me.
I wish I could change my feelings about this but right now I am as far removed from desiring pregnancy as one can get.
The issue isn't exactly pregnancy in-and-of itself. I don't mind getting big*ger* or watching what I eat or even the morning sickness when it isn't too intense. The thing that gives me pause is this: our success rate right now is 1 in 3.
It's like we're gambling with life everytime we do this, and the odds are necessarily stacked in our favor. Maggie wasn't full-term, and we were incredibly blessed that she was so healthy when she got here.
I just don't know if I can lose 2 more babies to get another Maggie.
Add to that the fact that I have to give myself shots twice a day in my belly for the duration of my pregnancy and we're not exactly painting a happy fun picture.
(Writing that down doesn't make it seem so dramatic but let me just say that the first time I had to give myself a shot, I nearly hyperventilated and snotted all over the nurse, I was crying so hard. (I'm not a pretty crier, y'all). And while it got marginally easier (I was at least able to do it without All The Drama), the fact remains that it sucked. I totally stressed myself out about the whole thing each and every day of my Peanut pregnancy. And Maggie was worth every.single.shot. It's just that now I know what to expect and it tends to skew my decision-making ablilities.)
And that doesn't even include the shots for gestational diabetes (which I know I may not get next time around, but still, wallowing here) which ups the Daily Shot Count to 5.
The thing about all of this is that I worry and plan. I stress about the best thing to do and the right time to do it, and I think I know what the right time is.
I have been unwilling to give this up and let God take control. Or I've given it to Him and just held on to a string for a bit before yankin' the whole thing back.
It's easy to say that I know God's plan for me is good and perfect. It's something else altogether to surrender my burden and just trust in that plan. That's the hard part.
And it's something I'm working on.
Okay, I'm done whining now - thanks for being such good listeners :) Sarah over at Gitzen Girl wrote a beautiful post on surrendering. It's worth the time to check it out.
